In my fifty years on this planet, I hurt more than my fair share of feelings. I pissed people off, created some haters, and broke some hearts. I’m not proud of it. It’s not something I did intentionally and definitely not maliciously. I fucked up, plain and simple. I’m a flawed human being who makes mistakes, and people end up hurt along the way. That’s something I have to live with and learn from.
What I’ve learned in my own life is that sometimes it takes someone hurting us for us to get angry enough to act, to create change, to choose ourselves. Sometimes what was intended for breaking us ends up being the very thing that broke us wide open and set us free. I’ve been on both the receiving and causing sides of heartbreak. Neither feels very good. It can actually be quite devastating. Mourning a loss is never fun, no matter how it came to be. But after many experiences with both, I’ve learned that even a broken heart can be a blessing.
Turns out that, although extremely difficult and often highly painful, having your heart broken can be what helps you grow and eventually sets you free. Rejection can be the best thing that has ever happened to you if you can use it properly.
When I’ve been the cause of the heartbreak, I’ll be the first to admit that I could have handled things better. I could have found a kinder, more caring way to express myself. I’d like to publicly apologize to all those I’ve hurt because ≤≥¬;/‘[VBhgg…sorry, the cat walked on my keyboard. Not even sure how she made some of those symbols. As I was saying…sorry to all those I’ve hurt because I was insensitive, defensive, or speaking from a place of ego instead of compassion.
Often, it is those we are closest to that we hurt the most. Not because we don’t care about them, but because we’re not always aware of how our words or actions could be received till it’s too late. This is especially true when you and the other person don’t always interpret things the same way. What can seem very innocent and harmless on one end often ends up hurting the other deeply because they see things from a very different perspective, or they take things personally when that wasn’t the intention.
That’s why I prefer the written word. It gives me time to think and choose my words more carefully. Although even that doesn’t always work. I remember an ex-boyfriend messaging me via social media once. He wanted to reminisce about our sex life, which is kind of flattering. It’s nice to know someone is thinking of us fondly. But he was dating someone at the time, and in my book, that’s not okay. Unfortunately, I let my ego respond, and although I don’t regret what I said, I’m very sorry about the way I said it.
Recently, I emailed a former friend-with-benefits and proposed we take our relationship to the next level. He rejected me the right way, with great care and kindness. He did it in a way that provided me with the closure I needed while still preserving the possibility for our friendship to continue in a new and improved form. I learned a lot from his response that day. He broke me open and set me free.
Even though I’ve fumbled my responses in the past, I truly hope that those I’ve hurt can use their bad experience with me to break open and set themselves free. Even if they never forgive me or talk to me ever again, at least some good will have come from my blunders. Even though it might be hard to tell sometimes, I do wish them all the best. I want them to be happy and achieve the success they seek. I’ll gladly accept the role of “villain” if it means they get to live a life less confined.
