I’ve gone through moments in my life where saying that I hated myself would not be an exaggeration. I’ve felt disgusted with myself, frustrated, disappointed, angry, and repulsed. It took me a very long time before I started being kind to myself. It took having children and seeing my light reflected back to me by a singer I admire for me to finally learn to love myself without exceptions or expectations. To stop apologizing for who I am.
I used to come down on myself because I’m not the homemaker type, never have been, never will be. I don’t cook or clean unless I have to. For a long time I allowed people to make me feel like that was a major flaw in my character. That is until I learned something that changed my life forever.
It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, if I follow the social norms or choose not to conform, as long as I’m being a good person, I am worthy of respect, kindness, joy, success, and to live a beautiful life. I don’t need to earn love, not from others and definitely not from myself. My existence makes me worthy of it. That is what unconditional love is. It is freely given without exceptions or expectations.
It is common for people to withhold love if you don’t act a certain way, or don’t do certain things, or don’t obey, or, or, or, or. But that’s not love. Even though they might have good intentions, that is manipulation.
Loving someone is saying “you may have done something bad, but you are not a bad person.” It is still giving affection even if the person made a mistake or made you angry. Love is a verb, not a feeling, and not a tool to control others with.
When I finally learned to love myself, I became unfuckwithable. I no longer required others to like or love me, because I already loved myself. I no longer needed external validation because I already knew my worth. I no longer tolerated people treating me like crap because I had learned to treat myself with compassion. People could think what they wanted about me, it didn’t matter anymore, because I knew to my very core who I was.
The thing is that we ALL deserve to love ourselves and feel worthy of living our best lives. When we look at ourselves in the mirror and smile because we like who we see, flaws and all, then it makes it a whole lot easier to see the value in everyone around us.
The benefits of loving
When you love yourself, it radiates and attracts more loving treatment from others. When you are standing on a solid foundation of self-love, you can allow other people to be who they are because their existence no longer makes you feel threatened. Who they are, their moods, their actions that don’t directly affect you no longer trigger you. You no longer need to prove yourself to others or convince anyone that you’re right. You learn that your peace is much more valuable than anything your ego craves.
When loving yourself without limits or exceptions your ego loses power over you. You are no longer fooled by other people’s egos either. You become aware of how much people live their lives based on insecurities, fear, and pain, so you are able to show them more compassion.
While learning that you are not a total piece of shit, you also learn that you are not better than anyone either, so you become more willing to help people up rather than try to keep them beneath you. You become capable of celebrating other people’s victories without jealously.
Basically, when you learn to love yourself, you are better able to love others, and your whole life improves dramatically, even though your circumstances might not always show it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in any way an expert at this. I still screw up. I still hurt people’s feelings. I still judge others. I still struggle with forgiveness. That will probably never go away. All I can do is make sure it happens less and less.
What is love
Because I know the power of love, it’s a word I don’t use lightly. I care about a whole lot of people, but I love very few. For me, love requires three things:
- Do you know that person? I don’t mean knowing their name or knowing just the superficial stuff. I mean do you KNOW them? Have they made you angry or disappointed you? No? Then you don’t really know them yet.
- Once you know a person, do you want to change who they are? I don’t mean change their habits or behaviours, I mean change who they are fundamentally.
- Are you willing to inconvenience yourself or make sacrifices for them? Are they worth your time and effort even when you’re tired and cranky? Are you willing to go with less so they have what they need? Do you want what’s best for them, even if that’s not you? Do you love yourself enough to walk away from an unhealthy relationship?
If you truly know a person and still accept them exactly as they are no matter what they do, that’s love. That doesn’t mean you have to treat everyone exactly the same, there are various forms of love. You can love a person but choose to do so from a distance, especially if they don’t love you back or you’re not compatible with them. You definitely should keep your distance if they cause you harm in any way. Loving someone can include not liking the choices they make, but choosing to support them anyway. You can love someone by helping them grow into the person they’re meant to be instead of telling them who they’re “supposed” to be. The list goes on and on.
You can’t truly love someone else until you love yourself first. Others can’t truly love you until you know who you are at your core, otherwise how are they supposed to know the real you?
Love is not a feeling, it’s a verb. You don’t just tell someone you love them, you show them in the way you treat them. Every little thing you do for them or to them demonstrates that love, or lack there of.
I am so grateful I learned to love the badass, radiant, woman I’ve fought so hard to become. I am grateful for how loved I am and have been. I am grateful for the strength I have to love myself enough to walk away from harmful situations. I am grateful for the boundaries I have set and enforced. I am grateful for the courage to no longer tolerate being disrespected, by anybody.
I wish everyone could learn to love themselves, to experience how amazing it feels, and how it enriches one’s life. I wish everyone could learn to love themselves so they could love others and we could all live a life less confined.
