I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn about trans people. That it’s a multi-coloured situation in a world that is more comfortable with beige.
It is my understanding that being trans is when your brain and your body disagree about whether you are male or female, making the trans person extremely uncomfortable in the body they were born into. Sometimes it’s not even 100% one way or the other; sometimes it’s a male-to-female ratio. A bit of one mixed in with a bit of the other, a.k.a. non-binary.
Before anyone says “there are only two sexes or genders,” ponder this. What if it’s always been a range or spectrum with male at one end and female at the other, but only the two ends of the spectrum were allowed to be expressed, so much so that parts of humanity forgot the rest of the spectrum even existed?
It gets even trickier because male or female presentation is not just about chests, genitalia, and hormones. Male or female is expressed in the skeleton, muscles, reproductive systems, brain, and how society treats you. With our current capabilities, it’s impossible to make the full switch from male to female or vice versa. So trans people end up somewhere between the two.
But even non-trans people can present as masculine women or feminine men. Trans isn’t a new phenomenon. It’s never been a completely cut-and-dry situation. Because of social media, expanded freedom, etc., we may be more aware of trans people now, but for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, indigenous people have recognized the existence of what they call 2-spirit people.
When we’re used to binary, nuance can be quite jarring. It adds to the unknown; it requires adjusting to change, which can be exceedingly scary to some. It can be unsettling when what you see is not necessarily what you get. Plus, in a patriarchal world where men and women are pitted against each other, it can be a tough adjustment to accept one of our “enemies” onto our team, especially when they don’t completely “fit in.”
Maybe instead of seeing trans people as members of the other team trying to pass themselves off as members of our team, we should look at it as welcoming members of our team who have been recovered from the opposing team? Celebrate the fact that they survived the battle it took for them to cross over. Better yet, let’s remove the competition altogether. Let’s all just be imperfect people living out our human experience.
Getting used to blurred lines
Men transitioning to women seems to be a much bigger issue in society than women transitioning to men, even for me.
I’m not used to taking men wearing lipstick and “women’s” clothing seriously. So often, in movies, etc., they are portrayed as entertainment, specifically comedy. I’m not used to beards and makeup being on the same face. I’m not used to harry legs in mini skirts or narrow hips and broad shoulders in clothes made for bodies with curves. It’s still jarring for me to hear a baritone or bass voice coming out of a woman’s face. I still find it confusing to use plural pronouns like they/them for a single person. I wish we had singular non-binary pronouns we could use for people. Plus, I’m French. I’m used to everything, even inanimate objects, having masculine or feminine pronouns. The whole concept of non-binary/gender neutral kind of makes my brain short-circuit.
But what I’ve learned is that those are all “me” problems. Things I alone need to work on.
I don’t need to agree with, approve of, or understand everything to treat trans people with respect and dignity. I don’t have to find someone attractive for them to have a right to exist. I’m not owed other people making themselves less than so I can feel more comfortable.
Trans people aren’t asking that I change who I am, just that I allow them to be who they are.
Trans women in sports
I can understand both sides of this issue, which is why I think we need to find a new solution. What has always been doesn’t need to always be.
Large, butch women are allowed to compete, so why not women who used to be men? If there’s a concern about unfair advantage, then find a new way to categorize competitors. For example, divide everyone by ability instead of male vs female. There are ways for everyone to participate without putting others at a disadvantage if we just open our minds and use a bit of creativity.
Everyone deserves a chance to represent their school, community, or country in the sport of their choice. Sports help build self-esteem, discipline, etc., things everyone can benefit from.
Trans women in bathrooms
First, I think we need to establish that a biological man who wants to harm women and girls is not going to let a bathroom door stop them. They don’t need to dress like a woman to go into a bathroom to rape a woman. Why do you think women go to the bathroom in pairs or groups? Hint: It’s not because of trans women.
And why is nobody making a fuss about trans men using men’s washrooms? Because it’s not about trans people. The actual problem is with biological (a.k.a. cis) men who keep acting like predators instead of protectors. If cis men quit perpetrating violence against women and children, then there wouldn’t be an issue.
I bet we’ve all used the toilet next to a trans person and had no idea it had even occurred. Not every trans person is obviously so. Some of them transition remarkably well! Some trans women look more female than some biological women do. Some trans men look more male than some biological men do. Which is why policing bathrooms is not only unnecessary, it’s unrealistic and abusive. Especially because the only washroom they seem to feel a need to control access to is the women’s.
Trans or not, people come with all sorts of sizes, types, and shapes of genitals. Have you ever heard of intersex people? If not, look it up.
Nobody should be subjected to a strip search just to go pee or to use a women’s locker room. Family locker rooms allow moms AND dads in, and nobody says boo about that. Lesbians use women’s locker rooms without attacking or perving on anyone. I assume the same is true for gay men in the men’s locker room. Because the problem isn’t the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, it’s cis men who feel entitled to help themselves to women’s and girls’ bodies. If society were to start holding cis men accountable for their actions, we’d all be better off.
I get it, some trans men can seem pretty suspicious. It’s not like there’s a trans membership card or something to prove they are who they say they are. But why should the whole community be penalized for it? I get that we all want to keep our kids safe, but maybe the problem isn’t the people; maybe it’s the rooms.
Personally, I would prefer bathrooms and locker rooms with more privacy, which could then be more gender neutral. Showers in stalls with doors that lock that go all the way from door frame to floor, change rooms with full doors instead of curtains, toilet stalls with full doors, urinals in stalls, etc. I don’t feel the need to get naked in front of anyone, nor do I need to see anyone else naked, regardless of what they have between their legs. That way, everyone can do what they need to do in peace.
We’ve already seen cases where butch biological women are getting physically and verbally attacked by biological men because they mistakenly think they’re trans. That’s unacceptable!
Instead of worrying about a danger that doesn’t even exist, worry more about your daughter going into a public washroom or school locker room and having someone force her to flash her genitals in front of them or get beaten up by someone who thinks they’re male. Those are where the real dangers lie. Anti-trans people are way more dangerous and predatory than any trans person is.
Trans people just want to be able to go pee, like everyone else. If you’re too afraid to use the washroom with a trans person in the stall next to you, then YOU hold it till you get home. Leave everyone else in peace.
Choosing compassion instead of fear, bigotry, and control
Trans people aren’t trying to attack or indoctrinate anyone’s children. They’re just trying to exist. Their overall existence is of no threat to anyone. They don’t deserve all the abuse they’ve been subjected to over the decades.
If someone’s child decides they’re trans after seeing a trans person, it’s more likely because they’ve always been trans or gender fluid, and knowing they’re not alone has given them the courage to come out. Nobody “turns” trans. They either are or they’re not. Just like being gay, it’s who they are, how they were made, not who they choose to be. Trans and gay people can’t choose to be cis and heterosexual any more than cis and heterosexual people can choose to be trans and gay. If they could, there would be a whole lot more lesbians in this world.
Nobody is encouraging children to transition or even allowing it. Nobody is being forced to undergo gender reassignment surgery. Nobody, even as adults, is transitioning on a whim. Several steps need to be taken before hormonal or surgical interventions can even be considered. There are multiple conversations with medical doctors and therapists that need to be had. There’s a sort of “trial run” that has to happen first, where only the name they use and their wardrobe change. Then maybe hormones, etc. It takes years to be able to transition.
Trans children are usually given meds to delay puberty until they are old enough to make an informed decision about their identity. It buys them time to see if that’s really the path they want to take. It allows them to speak with therapists, etc.
Do I wish trans people didn’t feel the need to alter their bodies? Yes. I also wish cis people didn’t resort to cosmetic surgery to change their bodies. Surgeries and medical procedures can be risky. But it’s not my body. I can’t know what it feels like to be them, because I’m not them. Plus, I see how relieved, happy, and confident people are after their procedure(s).
If becoming more of a man or more of a woman or tucking here or filling there, etc., does that for them, and they aren’t going overboard or hurting anyone, then they have my full support. Like I said earlier, it is not required for me to understand or approve of a decision for me to respect it. Plus, denying trans people gender affirming care has been shown to increase rates of depression and even suicide. Can you imagine being so uncomfortable in your own body that you would rather die than go on living in the body you’re in? I’d much prefer a happy trans person to a miserable or even suicidal cis person.
To the parents who reject their children because they aren’t who you want them to be, you’re a shitty human who is not worthy of the title of parent. Even if you don’t condone their behaviour or agree with their choices, you’re supposed to love your children without exception or expectation. You’re supposed to protect them from harm, not throw them out on the street. You’re supposed to help them discover who they are so they can reach their full potential, not force them to be someone they’re not. Shame on you. Do better.
Instead of viewing trans people as defective or a threat, we should appreciate the benefits their existence provides to society. Trans people are actually trailblazers. They are helping speed up the process to get beyond the made-up gender norms. It’s not about boys being boys and girls being girls; it’s about letting people be people. It’s about dropping blind conformity and obedience in favour of authentic self-expression. It’s about freedom from forced assimilation. We are all unique individuals. We deserve to fully express our uniqueness.
A homogenized society may make things easier to anticipate and therefore provide a sense of comfort, but that doesn’t mean it’s in anyone’s best interests. Discomfort is a good thing sometimes. It’s how we grow.
It’s about respect
Do trans people, gender-neutral pronouns, etc., confuse my puny brain? Sometimes, yes. Do trans, gender-fluid, or anyone else in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community need to conform, do things the way I think they should be done, or make things easier for me to understand? No. They don’t owe me anything. They have every right to exist and live their lives on their terms, just like they let me live mine.
Do I make the effort to use the pronouns and names they choose for themselves? Yes. Just like I use nicknames, middle names, stage names, etc., if that’s what people prefer, because treating someone with kindness, dignity, and respect costs me nothing except maybe a little discomfort from stepping outside what I’m used to and some extra effort, but it means everything to them. It’s worth any inconvenience I may experience.
I am all female, but when I was about 12 years old, I was in Scouts. Each year, our troupe would go clean tables at a Folkfest pavilion. Even though my troupe was co-ed, most of the troupes back then were boys only, and the uniforms reflected that fact.
One time, this little old lady complimented me on my table wiping and said I’d make a good husband someday. I corrected her by saying, “No, wife.” She then argued with me and repeated “husband”. I finally had to tell her, “No, wife, I’m a girl.” She apologized, and I continued on to the next table. But can you imagine going through life having people misgender you like that regularly just because you look different from what’s expected? Or worse, if they do it on purpose because their insecurity makes them arrogant enough to think they have a say in the matter? I sure didn’t like being misgendered, so I do my best to avoid doing it to others. I don’t get to decide how other people see themselves or choose to express their identity. Just like nobody gets to decide those things for me.
If you think that non-binary and non-heterosexual people are weird, gross, wrong, etc. Tough cookies. It’s not just about you. If you believe that marriage is between one man and one woman, then only marry one person of the opposite sex. Quit trying to impose your narrow beliefs on others. Nobody is obligated to believe, look like, or act like you do. Let people be who they are.
Instead of hating those who don’t conform and fighting so hard to keep them marginalized, learn to love without conditions. What you put out into this world is inevitably what you’ll get back. Bigotry, violence, oppression, etc., are not sustainable, long-term. So, adapt, or be prepared to get left behind. If you keep excluding people who aren’t like you, you’ll find yourself living a very narrow existence, and you’ll miss out on all the beauty, richness, joy, etc. that diversity brings.
You don’t have to change everything all at once. New things take some getting used to. Start by not causing harm. Let people, including yourself, live a life less confined.
