A few years ago, I ended a situationship because I got tired of feeling tolerated instead of wanted. He was clear from the very beginning that he didn’t want us to start dating because he didn’t feel that spark for me. At first, I was fine with that, but as time went on, I got tired of waiting for days to get a response to a text and having my emails go only partially answered. Tired of almost always being the one to initiate our “get-togethers.” Annoyed that he used humour to avoid discussing anything serious, like confirming or denying that his feelings for me had changed, when his behaviour changed. Hurt that, to my knowledge, he never told his family I even existed.
Spending time together was good for his ego, but it got to be too hard on mine. Plus, I fell in love with him, and it became apparent that he was never going to feel the same for me. Even if he did, he obviously wasn’t ready to admit it. I’m not built for a casual relationship; it makes me neurotic and pathetic. So, I remembered who I am, straightened my crown, and walked away. I miss the “benefits,” but I deserve better than being someone’s dirty little secret. I am worthy of being wanted and loved in return.
Reigniting the flame
I had made peace with the fact that he was no longer in my life. I went about my business as best as I could, despite constant reminders of him popping up everywhere. I got to the point where it no longer made me sad to revisit all the happy memories I shared with him. That is, until TikTok did me dirty.
I was scrolling along, minding my own business, when I started getting tarot card readers coming across my for you page. I made the mistake of watching the videos out of curiosity, which then caused the algorithm to show me more. They were all saying variations of two things: I was going to be very wealthy soon, and a man was coming back into my life to apologize for how he treated me and profess his love for me. I took it to mean that the one man I want was finally going to be mine. Not any of my actual ex-boyfriends. Not even the father of my children, whom I was married to for eight years. The tarot readers told me exactly what I wanted to hear, which woke my neurotic side back up again.
I started flip-flopping between “Is he coming back?” and “It’s over, quit being delusional, and move on.” I’m still struggling with getting back to the state of acceptance and letting go I had achieved a couple years ago.
Rage dating
Yesterday, my delusions and wishful thinking were really starting to piss me off, so to rebel against myself, I decided to sign up for a dating site. But when it came time to write the intro, I couldn’t do it. All it took was 500 characters to show me that I still have too much bitterness, resentment, mistrust, etc., towards men (some of it well deserved), and too needy, to even attempt to start a new relationship. Also, part of me still has trouble believing that someone worthy would want me. Plus, on some level, my heart still belongs to the 1D10T who couldn’t admit his feelings for me. So I deleted my dating account before I even finished creating the profile.
Now I need to figure out if I can work through my issues to start over with someone new, or if I even want to. Maybe the right guy for me doesn’t even exist. Maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship. There’s a lot about being single that I thoroughly enjoy, and most of what a man would provide me, I can get from my friends and/or a roommate. The only thing I can’t get elsewhere is physical intimacy, but I can get by without it.
A glimpse into possibility
There was this brief encounter with a man, once, that gave me hope that maybe not all is lost for me. He’s one of the hottest men I’ve ever seen, and the way he looked at me felt amazing. I didn’t feel icky or on guard with him at all. When we shook hands, he took a step closer to me. We were mere inches apart, and our elbows were bent almost ninety degrees, but I was totally comfortable having this stranger in my personal space. That NEVER happens. I was even able to maintain eye contact, despite being in such close proximity.
Having a conversation with him was effortless, something I’ve rarely experienced with a man. When the time came for him to leave, he hesitated. For a moment, we just looked at each other in silence, and it was all I could do not to run up and hug him goodbye. I may have acted on it if he didn’t live a province away or if I had the means to travel to visit him.
That encounter has stayed with me ever since. I often wonder what that was? Why was he brought into my path for such a brief moment? Was it just a glimpse of how a relationship is supposed to feel, so I quit settling for less? Was it a taste of things to come? I don’t know, but it was a perfect moment that I’ll forever be grateful for.
Moving forward
Despite that perfect moment, I always go back to my obsession. To the guy who has been popping in and out of my life for 36 years, longer than anyone outside my family. To the man who, when I stood near him the first time, a current or shiver ran through me from my head to my feet. Something that has never happened before or since. It’s what put him on my radar to potentially be more than acquaintances. Before that, he was just a friend of a friend and the brother of a high school classmate. He’s the guy who didn’t yell at me when I made mistakes, made my body do things I didn’t know it could do, made me feel loved when he let his guard slip, who answered all my weird questions, and made me laugh like nobody else. He was my oasis, my escape from the world, during some of the hardest times of my life.
I would have fought harder for the relationship, but because we weren’t actually dating, I didn’t feel like I had a right to. Looking back, I think if I had pushed, it would have just spooked him more because he obviously wasn’t ready to admit his feelings for me. He probably never will, and I need to stop hanging on to maybe.
All I can do is continue building the life I want and see if anyone willing and worthy of sharing my life comes along. Solo or not, I owe it to myself to live a life less confined.
