I quit my job a few months ago, and in my search for a new source of income, I’ve noticed that I frequently turn down opportunities to make a substantial amount of money, thereby choosing to stay broke. Am I crazy? Maybe?
I’ve noticed that I have several reasons/excuses why I do this:
- I can’t do things just to make money. For example, my conscience won’t allow me to sell random physical products/merch. just to make money. It’s bad for the environment and just contributes to the overwhelming clutter in our world. Too many people make crap to sell crap so they can buy other crap. Maybe if it could be done sustainably, I might reconsider, but I haven’t found how to do that in a scalable way yet.
- I’m a petite woman, so there are a lot of good-paying jobs I won’t go for because I fear for my safety or because I’m not physically strong enough to do them.
- I want to use my creativity. I don’t want to pass off something AI or another creator made as my own, if I can make it myself. Making the thing is the fun part. Why would I give that up? People don’t seem to take pride in what they do or make anymore.
- I have an extremely low tolerance for boredom. I can’t do just any job, no matter how much it pays. It needs to be the right amount of mentally stimulating.
- I try to avoid working for companies that do harm to others or do nothing to mitigate the harm they do to the planet.
Perimenopause broke me
Now that I’m in perimenopause, I’ve added the following:
- I can’t stand for too long because my right knee and left ankle get inflamed to the point where I can’t put weight on them.
- My tolerance for noise and distractions has decreased. I can’t block them out like I used to in order to concentrate on the work I’m doing. It drains me to the point that I have trouble maintaining enough stamina to make it through the workday. After work, I have nothing left. Even feeding myself takes enormous effort.
- I rarely get a full night’s sleep, so my brain can’t function at its best. I can’t drink coffee to wake me up because it upsets my stomach. Being tired is not only annoying, but it can also be dangerous when I’m driving.
- My ADHD is louder now. I have even more difficulty getting up and ready in the morning, getting tedious tasks done, staying focused, etc.
- My meds don’t control my depression as well as they used to.
- I have very little patience for people’s b.s. or for inefficiencies. Lead or get out of my way.
- I’m 50. Been there, done that. I’m tired and ready to start slowing things down. I can’t handle the constant rushing anymore, especially when something isn’t actually urgent.
It’s gotten to the point where I’m barely employable. I’ve only applied to two jobs so far because I can’t do the rest. A very humbling realization. I was going to start a tutoring business, but I can’t even bring myself to do that.
I wish I could be
It boggles my mind how people work three jobs, work through pain, or work into their seventies. My hats off to them because I don’t have it in me. Thankfully, I haven’t had to push myself beyond my physical limitations. I’ve had safety nets to catch me when I fell. I’ve been very lucky, and I don’t take it for granted.
I sometimes envy people who aren’t as stubborn or ethical as I am. I’d like to be wealthy too. There are so many things I want to experience, places I want to visit, and people I want to help. I wish I could just pick something and do it just because it’ll make me rich. I’m sick of busting my ass just to stay broke and having others benefit from my labour. My goals and dreams matter too! No more giving away all my energy to others. From now on, I’m protecting my peace.
At this point, this blog is pretty much all I have. I have to make it work because it’s my best shot at living a life less confined.
