Far too many people are going around with hair-trigger tempers and making everything about them. Peace, like forgiveness, is not for the other. It is a gift given to oneself.
Before I discovered my ADHD and medicated my depression, I would lose my temper almost daily. I was over-stimulated, overwhelmed, frustrated, out of control, and not respecting my own needs or boundaries. I took way too much personally, including things that had nothing to do with me. As well as being arrogant and not letting things go when I felt I was right. I had to win every argument.
Age and experience taught me one very important phrase that I still use to this day. That phrase is “It’s not about me.” What I needed to learn was how to tell the difference between intuition vs impulse, and ego.
Ego and impulse can be sneaky little bastards. They can feel super important and urgent. This is why you have to be on the lookout for them. They come from a place of fear, insecurity, lack and need to be kept in check, or they can lead you into deep trouble.
Intuition is a good thing that comes from wisdom, confidence, and patience, and doesn’t require external validation. It is an inner knowing that doesn’t need to show off. It is being grounded in one’s own existence, regardless of what’s happening around you.
Examples of “it’s not about you”:
- If someone tells you you hurt them in some way. It’s not for you to defend yourself, justify what you did, make excuses, or dismiss how they were affected by it, because it’s not about you. It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, nor about winning the argument. The focus should remain on the other person and their lived experience. All you need to do is hear them, believe them, apologize for hurting them, and either modify your behaviour to avoid hurting them again or accept it when they cut you out of their life. People can forgive quite a lot, but only if the apology is followed by change. Nobody tolerates being disrespected forever.
- If your personal beliefs go against people in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, women’s equality and bodily autonomy, immigrants’ rights, etc., tough! It’s not about you and what you believe, no matter how ardently you hold those beliefs. Nobody is obligated to share your beliefs or obey what they dictate. You being uncomfortable or even offended doesn’t make them wrong and you right. More likely, it means it’s just not what you’re used to. It’s an invitation for you to widen your comfort zone.
- If you expect others to look like, believe, and behave as you want them to, that’s insecurity and your ego talking. How others choose to live their life is not up to you. You’re not entitled to conformity. You aren’t superior. Your way is not the only way or even the best way. Find a way to live and let live. Learn to coexist because it’s not just about you.
- If you get angry every time you feel like you’re losing control of the situation, that’s a lack of impulse control, often brought on by feelings of insecurity or arrogance. Perhaps you’re also taking things too personally. Nobody can trigger an emotional response, any emotional response (yes, anger is an emotion), unless you allow them to. People make mistakes, have bad days, get distracted, have their own shit that they’re dealing with. It’s not always about you, so cut them some slack.
I could go on for pages, but you get the gist. Basically, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. Always take a moment to check if the situation is actually about you or if you’re just making it about you. Regardless, you always have the choice of how you react to a situation.
Try this instead, to maintain your peace
Instead of scapegoating others for your struggles or weaponizing your beliefs to control others, look inside yourself instead. Figure out why diversity or non-conformity bothers you so much. Fact check to see if your theories are true.
Getting to the point where you don’t let others derail your peace is an uncomfortable process. It requires looking in the mirror and facing some pretty ugly truths about yourself. Often, you find that your main problem is you, not all the other people you try to blame for your struggles.
Placing blame and making excuses is tempting because it takes the responsibility off your shoulders, but it also gives away your power to fix the problem. If you can accept the fact that you play a role in every situation you’re in, then you can control how you respond in the future. The only thing you control in this life is how you respond to things. It may not seem like much, but it has the power to transform your life.
The sooner you can accept that you don’t need to approve of, understand, or agree with other people’s choices in order to respect them (and vice versa), the quicker you can protect your valuable peace, which helps bring you closer to a life less confined.
