Our species seems to be racing as fast as it can towards its own extinction. Thanks to social media, we get to see how many of us are just going about our lives on a constant ego trip and not paying attention to, deliberately ignoring or taking pleasure in seeing the harm it’s causing.
One of the most excruciating yet most valuable lessons I’ve ever learned in my fifty years on this planet is how to tell my ego to chill. The mantra I still have to repeat to myself frequently is “It’s not about you.”
Your internal wizard behind the curtain
I had to discover that my ego is not what it appears to be. It’s not my friend. My ego doesn’t care about what’s best for me. It definitely doesn’t care about others or the greater good. It only cares about getting the attention it craves, acting like it’s in control, and feeling superior. The ego is like the flawed man hiding behind the curtain pretending to be a powerful wizard, like in the movie “ The Wizard of Oz.”
On some level the ego is a self-preservation mechanism, but most of the threats it tries to protect against are imagined. Like a little Chihuahua that goes around with its artificial alpha energy, biting everyone, to “hide” how scared he really is. The ego lashes out at the slightest trigger even if there is no real danger around. It’s mostly self-indulgent. Like eating junk food, it can be delicious and satisfying, but offers very little real benefit. Also similar to junk food, if you over indulge, it can be quite detrimental. Insecurity mixed with ego can be extremely destructive, in fact, I feel it’s the source of most of the world’s problems today, for example bigotry, violence, and even the Patriarchy overall.
Quieting the ego can be extremely challenging. It’s often very loud and never goes down without a fight. It really likes to be in charge and will do just about anything to stay there. But once you succeed in taming it, life gets a whole lot better.
The hard look in the mirror
It takes great courage and strength of character to be willing to humble yourself. To choose to listen and follow instead of bossing people around; to let someone else have the spotlight; and refrain from speaking or acting just to boost your own ego. Not everyone is capable of sitting in that vulnerability or enduring the discomfort and frustration that can accompany it. The temptation to let your ego speak or act can be overwhelming, and even addicting. Remember, your ego has no intention of cooperating with your efforts to de-centre it.
In the process of taking your ego down a couple notches, you’ll learn that not every one of your opinions or ideas need to be expressed. That people aren’t obligated to conform, no matter how weird or icky you think they are. You’ll see that your way isn’t the only way. That just because it’s what you’re used to, doesn’t mean it’s right. And, like Ricky Gervais once said, “Just because it offends you, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
It takes great emotional intelligence and maturity to be able to let others live their life as they see fit, and not impose our beliefs onto others. It’s especially challenging when others do things that you don’t agree with, or are even vehemently opposed to.
These are the moments when I have to repeat to myself, “It’s not about you.” because nine times out of ten, it has zero impact on my day-to-day life. It can sometimes be directed at me or annoy me, or even enrage me, but that doesn’t mean it’s has anything to do with me. The only one making it my problem, is me. People have the right to be wrong. Sometimes you just need to let them be. You just need to let it go and focus on your own stuff.
I find that building genuine confidence in who I am and what I’m capable of, makes it easier to control my ego and preserve my peace. I don’t need to prove I’m better, or even right. My knowing is all that matters. People can think what they want about me, it doesn’t make it true. I don’t need the external validation or to punch down to prove how amazing I am. My confidence in myself radiates from within me. When I don’t allow my ego to intrude in the situation, I can take time to pause and think before I respond saving everyone a whole lot of pain, embarrassment, and stress.
People who need to brag about how awesome/superior they are…aren’t. That’s an insecure ego talking, and it’s pretty obvious. It’s usually accompanied by the stench of desperation and tends to act more as a repellent, causing mistrust rather than impressing people. If you need to cheat to win, force others to obey, step on others to rise, or silence your critics, then your confidence is fake, and you’re just showing off for others who are as insecure and lost as you are.
The ego often protects itself through some form of violence or injustice. It’s common for people who are letting themselves be run by an insecure ego to lose their temper, be defensive, judge others, harass people, humiliate or belittle others, act like a bully (including online), blame others instead of taking responsibility for their own actions, impose double standards, act entitled, respond with sarcasm, gaslight others, scapegoat someone or a section of the population, and even resort to abusing others.
When the ego isn’t in charge it’s a lot easier to be kind, to celebrate other people’s successes, share the spotlight, collaborate, innovate, have a generous spirit, give people the benefit of the doubt, see the humanity in everyone, etc. When your ego can take a back seat, you attract more of other people’s kindness, generosity, support, etc.
The wind and the sun
It’s like a story I heard a long time ago. It went something like…the wind and the sun made a bet to see which of the two could make the man walking below them take his jacket off. The wind went first and blew and blew and blew as hard as it could, but the more wind it produced, the tighter the man held his jacket against him. Then it was the sun’s turn and it started shining brightly. Soon the sun’s warmth made the man get too hot, so he took his jacket off.
The wind came from a place of ego and thought that brute strength could get the job done, but all it really accomplished was to increase the man’s resistance. The sun, on the other hand, let its warmth and confidence radiate which succeeded in getting the man’s cooperation and with a whole lot less effort.
This is the kind of world we could live in.
If we put our egos aside and let our light shine through instead, we’d all be happier, less exhausted, more peaceful, and able to thrive a whole lot more. But getting to that point won’t be easy. For some, it won’t be possible. They won’t be ready to surrender their illusions of control, at least not in this lifetime.
How to push your ego aside
It starts by a willingness to question everything, especially your motives. Be inspired by your former toddler self and start asking why…but why…but why… Why does this bother me? What happens if I let them do that? Do I need to jump into that conversation? Am I adding something constructive or just satisfying my ego? What makes me think that? Where did that belief come from? Is that accurate? Is it true? Has anything changed since before? Etc.
NOTHING is above scrutiny. You need to dig to the very depths to get to the source. “That’s how it’s always been.” is no excuse. In fact, those are probably the things you should investigate first.
Be prepared for answers that pack a mighty punch, right in the gut, when the ego starts fighting for its survival. It fights hard and it fights dirty, but keep in mind that you’re stronger. You’re going to uncover things about yourself that you’re not going to like. You’ll trigger shame you forgot was there. There will be days when you’re not too impressed with yourself. That’s okay. Just don’t linger there too long. Feel it, process it, release it, and keep going.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it actually takes enormous courage to reach out, so don’t be afraid to get any assistance you may need. Just make sure you’re turning to someone who doesn’t have ulterior motives, doesn’t let their own ego make the conversation about them, and who doesn’t have a vested interest in you choosing one path vs another.
There are parts of your identity that are going to start crumbling down around you. No matter how uncomfortable or even painful it gets, you need to let them crumble. The old needs to be demolished before the new and improved can be built in its place. Find something safe and secure to hold on to as you wait out the earthquake.
This isn’t a weekend project either. Don’t expect a quick fix and then done. It’s a life-long ultra marathon. Every time an emotional response pops up, especially an angry one or a desire to judge someone, try to find out what it’s trying to tell you. What is your ego trying to protect itself from? Is it an actual danger or just discomfort? Is someone doing something wrong, or just not how you would do it? Are they going against your rights or just your preferences? Etc.
It’s okay if they aren’t following your beliefs (i.e. religion, traditions, habits, etc.), but they should be following laws and things of that nature. Don’t let anyone convince you to trust opinion over facts, no matter how loudly or certainly they express those opinions.
When weighing the pros and cons or deciding between right and wrong, look at who benefits and does it come at someone’s expense. Also look to see if you are contributing positively to the relationships in your life or are you just using people.
Using people is not always bad as long as you’re honest about it and the other person is also benefiting from the arrangement (remember, only they can decide if they are benefiting). Know that anyone can change their mind at any time. Eliminate or reduce your interactions with people who negatively affect you, those who drain you, frustrate you, etc. You can love them from afar. You don’t need to let them disrupt your life, to be there for them.
Breaking through
How will you know when your efforts are starting to bear fruit? When you can stay calm in the face of chaos, can live and let live, and when you don’t let other people’s drama poison your peace. For example, one day my ex-husband phoned my cell while I was at work, to discuss one of our children. He asked me a question and REALLY didn’t like my answer to the point that he started repeatedly calling me a f*!%ing b*tch.
In the past I would have started yelling right back to defend myself and to win the argument, which all would have been a complete waste of time and energy, but, that day I stayed perfectly calm.
I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong and that he wasn’t actually mad at me. He was uncomfortable and using me to deflect. He was basically throwing a tantrum. Tantrums, in children and in adults, only work if it gets them what they want (the toy, attention, control, etc.). So, I let him vent for a few seconds and when I saw that the discussion was no longer moving forward, I said, in a friendly manner, “Have a nice day!” and hung up the phone. I would have paid money to see the look on his face.
I didn’t allow the argument get drawn out like in the past. Didn’t make a scene at my work. No petty revenge was needed. There was no future hostility. No grudge carried on my part. I had won simply by not engaging and we both knew it. We both learned an important lesson that day and things haven’t been the same since. Thankfully both of our kids are grown and independent now, so I almost never have to speak to him anymore.
It’s true what they say. The best revenge is a life well lived. It’s also true that without struggle there is no victory.
The battle to stop letting your ego control your life can be brutal at times, but the victory that comes from conquering it is so sweet and worth every drop of blood, sweat, or tears. It’s also the only way to truly live a life less confined.
