*** TRIGGER WARNING *** This post contains information that will enrage some people, especially those whose identity relies on the dominance of others. My goal in writing this is to hopefully make those people uncomfortable enough to change, because we all deserve better.
The myth of dominance
Show me someone who feels the need to exert dominance over others, act superior to others, or impose their beliefs on others, and I’ll show you someone who is insecure and has a fragile, inflated ego.
A lot of people, for example, bullies, think that the dominance of others is a sign of strength. Competition, showing off, and screwing people over are all seen as proof of superiority. Some even take it to the point of physically harming others. What I discovered from my own lived experience is that the need for dominance actually masks fear, insecurity, and ego. Only those who feel threatened by others try to dominate them. Submitting should be a choice made by the submissive, not forced upon someone by the one seeking dominance.
If you have to brag about being the best, better than, or superior to, then you aren’t.
If you need to force people to do what you want, then you aren’t someone worthy of being followed.
If your position can’t hold up to scrutiny and criticism, then it’s weak.
If you can’t celebrate other people’s successes then you don’t deserve to succeed.
If equality makes you feel oppressed, then you’ve benefited from the inequality. You basically had to cheat to win.
If you need to blame others and make others responsible for your feelings or actions, then you are giving your power away, including the ability to make your situation better.
If you’d rather hurt someone than feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, then you are a coward.
Your need to belong or feel in control so you’re not so afraid shouldn’t supersede basic human decency. You should confident enough to be yourself even if that sets you apart, so that you can allow others to do the same. Live and let live.
True confidence radiates from within. It doesn’t require external affirmation nor the making others submit to you so you can feel good about yourself. Nobody was put on this earth to be subservient to others. That is a lie invented by the weak and afraid in order to control the strong.
Having your ego rely on the dominance of others is actually giving your power away to someone else, leaving very little opportunity for negotiation. Think about it, if others have to submit to you in order for you to feel calm, in control, and important, what happens when they don’t cooperate? There’s usually panic followed by violence of some sort in order to force the other person to submit out of fear. If they still don’t submit, things can escalate very quickly, even to the point of death. Something we see happen every day in cases of domestic violence, police/law enforcement brutality, gangs, dictatorships, etc., and to a lesser degree in any hierarchal structure, especially where exploitation occurs.
But guess what, fear is not the same as respect. Respect is much more likely to foster cooperation or collaboration. Fear requires continued violence to maintain. I don’t know about you, but I find that pretty exhausting, plus it fosters obedience but not loyalty. People who fear you will turn on you the first chance they get. If they respect you, they’re more likely to stand with you in the face of adversity.
I’m no shrink but I suspect that a lot of the need for dominance comes from being dominated in childhood and/or feeling powerless. If that’s the case then I’m truly sorry that happened to you. Know that it wasn’t your fault, but it is now your responsibility to heal so you don’t let it keep you stuck. Because let’s face it, are you really being powerful if it requires being a bully to those who are physically weaker than you or are at some sort of disadvantage? No. So let’s do something constructive about it.
Building confidence
Here’s how to build real confidence and strength,
- Tell your ego to shut the hell up. It is not your friend. It’s junk food, delicious at times, but lacks nutritional value and can be highly toxic. An indulgence best saved for rare occasions. Ditch the cockiness, arrogance, entitlement, sarcasm, sassiness, etc.
- Develop the courage to be vulnerable, humble, uncomfortable, etc. This can be quite difficult at first but it all gets easier with practice.
- Focus on more than just yourself. Not everything is about you. Helping others, without expecting anything in return, can be great for your mental health and life in general.
- Learn to enjoy your own company and protect your peace. If you don’t like spending time with you, why would anyone else? Build a life where you’re good on your own. A life where a mate or even a friend adds to your already full life, instead of depending on others to fill in gaps where you haven’t done the work to heal yourself yet.
- Stop performing and busting your ass to try to get approval from or fit in with men (this goes for men as well as for women). You don’t need any man’s admiration or permission to be the best version of yourself. We’re all susceptible to having “daddy issues,” but that doesn’t mean we need to let our lives be run by them.
- Learn to regulate your emotions. You can’t keep exploding every time you feel uncomfortable or panic. That makes you unsafe, re-triggers your past traumas, and causes new traumas for those around you. Instead pause, take a breath, take a break if you need to, and then come back to deal with the issue once you’ve calmed down.
- Remove yourself from places where you have to wear masks, hide a part of yourself, or play chameleon in order to fit in. Get comfortable with the discomfort of standing out. Look for places that lift you up, make you better, and where you can belong as your full authentic self without having to act like someone you’re not. Stop apologizing for who you are. Stop being the fish trying to climb a tree.
- Don’t let the patriarchy tell you what it means to be a man or woman. Gender norms and roles are all made up, so just be you. Don’t let yourself be fooled by “supposed to.” Don’t let yourself stay restricted by what you’re used to.
- Remember that others don’t owe you anything. You are worthy of much (love, success, joy, peace, etc.) but entitled to very little. Nobody owes you their time, attention, energy, labour, body, money, care, or even their “yes.” Just because you want something or someone, doesn’t mean you get to have it. Unrealistic or unfair expectations are a great way to kill any interaction with another human.
- Respect other people’s boundaries, including their giving or withholding consent. No (in all its various forms, including non-verbal), means no. Period. It’s not up to you to try to “interpret” what you think they mean by it. Respect yourself enough to just walk away. Don’t stay somewhere you’re not wanted or with someone who doesn’t value you.
- Learn to fill your own cup. Stop waiting for someone else to come save you or for someone else to take care of you as though you were still a child. Stop whining, blaming, throwing tantrums, or making excuses. Put on your big person underpants and take care of your own shit. Don’t give away your power to build the life you want.
Real confidence is enormously attractive. People are drawn to you when you radiate confidence from within (not the same as being arrogant). Attract, don’t chase.
Desperation repels confident people but attracts other desperate people. It screams “I feel inadequate.” Begging, chasing, forcing, coercing, stalking, acting creepy, being manipulative, being a nuisance, dishonesty, disrespect, pettiness, defensiveness, aggression/violence, etc. are all signs of desperation.
If you want to attract a 10, stop acting like a 2. You could be a really great person but if you aren’t grounded in your own worth (a worth that doesn’t depend on others and isn’t performative) and don’t walk in authenticity, why would confident people want to be with you?
If you need dominance for someone to be with you or stay with you, then maybe you were never taught how to be a good friend or partner. If so, it probably means you aren’t yet capable of being someone others would choose to be with. My question to you is, why would you settle for being with someone who tolerates you but doesn’t want to be with you? You deserve better.
Possible reasons you’re settling could be because you feel entitled to get what you want without putting in the work necessary to earn it Maybe you’re too afraid of being vulnerable and admitting you still have things to learn, or are terrified of being rejected or hurt in some way. These are all understandable, but don’t let them keep you stuck. You have to put in the work if you want to reap the rewards. Demand better from yourself so you attract better from others.
Real confidence doesn’t require blind obedience or conformity. It can handle being questioned, criticized, and even rejected. It doesn’t feel threatened by other people’s success, it celebrates it. It doesn’t fear diversity, equity, and inclusion. Confidence doesn’t require un-earned advantages in order to succeed. Confident people don’t want things to just be handed to them. They want to earn their success, even when it requires extra work, because they know they are capable of achieving it. It might take a little longer but they know they have everything they need to build the life they want without exploiting others or cheating to win. You can play pretend all you want, but without struggle, there is no victory. It’s just hallow.
Real confidence doesn’t require being in power or part of the majority to feel safe and valued. They are at peace wherever they are because their worth comes from within and knows that their very existence makes them deserving. They don’t need to be “the best” or have “the most” or prove they’re right in order to enjoy their life. They don’t feel threatened by the existence of others who have a different skin colour then they do, different religious beliefs, different sexual orientation, different whatever. They can live and let live.
A confident person takes accountability for their actions and behaviours. They don’t blame, lash out, or make excuses. They don’t scapegoat others. They don’t attack those with a different opinion or belief. They also hold others accountable, in a kind manner.
If you feel like a nobody, no amount of dominance or power will ever be enough to make you feel like a somebody. As long as you keep looking for confidence externally, instead of giving it to yourself internally, you’ll always feel like a loser.
Instead, learn to see your positive traits, then build upon that. Learn to give without expecting anything in return. You actually gain more from giving than you do by taking. Focus on helping others, then they’ll be more inclined to help you. If all you ever do is take, people will be far less inclined to help you out. It can’t always be about you. That’s not how a healthy relationship works.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Franklin Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Conclusion
Control through dominance is an illusion. You can pretend for a while, until the Universe knocks you on your ass and proves you wrong. It’s true what they say, Karma can be a real bitch.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, admitting when you’re wrong, putting someone else first, or asking for help takes enormous amounts of courage. It’s not easy to do, it’s often really hard on the ego, but it helps you grow and build real relationships. I promise, it’s all worth it in the end.
There’s a quote attributed to John Lennon that goes something along the lines of “If it’s not a happy ending, then it’s not the end.” Don’t cling to misery because it’s familiar; keep going till you find your happy ending. The road may be long and tedious, you might fall often along the way, but you are worth the effort.
So, I implore you to stop being a predator and start being a protector. Being a protector doesn’t necessarily mean physically fighting. It can be protecting your own or someone else’s self-confidence, peace, energy, joy, rights, etc.
Stop pretending that you own someone (significant other, children, employees, etc.). All that does is cause harm to everyone involved, yourself included. Instead of tearing them down to fit in your small comfort zone, lift them up to achieve their full potential. You’ll benefit more from their success than from their confinement.
Protect yourself from toxic people who haven’t done the work yet to heal themselves.
Be brave enough to take no for an answer and then figure out how to do/be better next time.
Life is a journey of constant learning. The more you open yourself up to learning from anyone, anywhere, anytime, the better off you’ll be. You’re not likely to be open to learning from someone if you feel superior to them. That will be a loss that might keep you stuck for the rest of your life. So, instead of exerting dominance, do yourself a favour, be humble, be kind, be fair, etc. Don’t stay angry and cruel. You deserve better than that. You deserve a life less confined.
